well, that family will be on "good morning america" tomorrow. of course, we're always online at abcnews.com. and i'll see you back here tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: sorry the show isn't funny tonight. >> dicky: jason bateman. >> jimmy: were there high jinks on the set? >> so much. can i have a triple segmenento tell you? >> dicky: dhani jones. and comedian hannibal buress. >> jimmy: we just met the michael jordan of belly flopping. michael jordan of belly floppin[ male announcer ] nature is unique... ...authentic... ...pure... and also delicious. ♪ like nature valley. granola bars made with crunchy oats and pure honey. because natural is not only good, it also tastes good.

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- jason bateman. from the cincinnati bengals, dhani jones. the sixth annual belly flop competition. and comedian hannibal buress. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, not only that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks.

hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the program. thank you for watching. thank you for attending. it's summer here in los angeles. lindsay lohan already has a deep brown ankle monitoring device tan line. it's beautiful. i know a lot of people are visiting. here's something funny to do. you should absolutely visit the beach if you are here in l.a. act like you are digging for sand crabs and pull out a kitten. kids go crazy. they really do. it gets very, very hot here in l.a. right now, it's a scorching 68 degrees. so, we thought it would be fun to give pedestrians a chance to cool off. this is something we do every year. in the back of our theater, we set up a swimming pool. that is the pool. and in front of our theater, out on hollywood boulevard, we set up my cousin sal. hello, cousin sal. >> hey, jimmy. what's going on? [ applause ] >> jimmy: we're looking for people who are willing to take their clothes off, put on one of

our pre-owned swim suits and belly flop into our pool. and who do we have there right now? >> i think you're going to love the look of this guy. >> jimmy: all right, you're right, i do. what's your name? >> mike. >> jimmy: mike? >> yeah. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> colorado. >> jimmy: very good. are you a belly flopper? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: a lot of experience in the area? >> yes. >> jimmy: what do you do for a living? >> i monitor a website. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> i make sure people don't cuss, basically. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're a sensor? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you don't lookokik one. >> i am. >> jimmy: all right. all right, well, great. what we're going to do is, we're going to kind of bring you back and we're going to get you out of those clothes and into a pool, all right mike? >> sounds good. >> jimmy: all right, so, send him through, cousin sal. [ applause ] who else do we have out here? >> you're going to love the look of this guy. >> jimmy: that's not a guy. >> hi. >> jimmy: what are your names? >> i'm stephanie. >> i'm'm katie.

>> jimmy: hi stephanie and katie. what's the plan? are you both -- you both belly flop for us? >> yeah. we're going together. >> jimmy: you're going to have to share a bikini, right? [ laughter ] where are you from? >> cincinnati. >> jimmy: here on vacation? >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, we're very happy to have you here. oh, there goes mike. [ applause ] all right, stephanie and katie, you guys come through, also, and, yeah, we'll do this. all right, there you go. [ applause ] we'll round up contestants as we go. all year long we work hard to bring you clever and funny comedy segments. but when it comes down to it, there's nothing funnier than a fat guy slapping his belly against the water. the presidential election is still almost a year and a half away, but there's lots of fun happening. according to the latest poll in iowa, mitt romney and michele bachmann are tied among republican voters. and this michele bachmann is a gold bmine. she's only been in the race, like, two days, but already, she's said some wonderfully dumb

things. if you're not -- oh, hey. girls, how are you? yeah, right there. it will be great. [ laughter ] cleto, calm down. anyway, michele bachmann is kind of like sarah palin without the charisma or marksmanship. she's -- [ laughter ] and on sunday, she told fox news that she has the same american spirit as john wayne who was also born in the place she was born, waterloo, iowa. it turns out he's not from waterloo, iowa, but john wayne gacy is from waterloo, iowa. john wayne was an actor. john wayne gacy was a serial killer who dressed as a clown. also an actor, in the way. if you are from waterloo, how do you not know that john wayne gacy is also from there? he's pretty notable. i mean, the next most famous resident of waterloo is the guy who grew the largest pumpkin at

the state fair, right? bachmann also said our founding fathers fought tirelessly end to slavery, which is not what you might call true. [ laughter ] in fact, they had slaves and -- i guess that's why they weren't tired, but -- on "good morning america" today, george stephanopoulos asked michele to clarify that statement, and what an answer she gave. >> do you want to clear up some of your past statements? for example, earlier this year, you said that the founding fathers who wrote the constitution and the declaration of independence worked tirelessly to end slavery. now, with respect, congresswoman, that's just not true. many of them, including jefferson and washington were actually slave owners and slavery didn't end until the civil war. >> well, you know, what's marvelous, in this country and under our constitution, we have the ability, when we recognize that something is wrong, to change it. and that's what we did in our country. we changed it. we no longer have slavery. that's a good thing. >> jimmy: oh, all right, well, i'm glad we cleared that up. that slavery is bad.

you know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the united states. because i don't think it's -- [ applause ] necessarily a good thing. she went on to clarify her statement and she said john quincy adams worked to e e slavery and that he should be considered a founding father even though he was 8 years old when the declaration of independence was signed. a founding father should be old enough to be a father, right? i mean -- i like when politiciapolitician s screw up, go find a single sentence in the back of a high school history book and then use that as their defense, as if that's what they meant the whole time. and that's what she's doing. and not only is she sticking to it, she's working on, i don't know if it's a documentary or an educational film, but something to teach kids about american history. >> in 1775, thomas jefferson and john quincy adams set sail across the delaware river to

tell the king of england they had had enough of his libberal agenda. king james called napoleon and together, decided to kill america. they sent the nina, the pinata and the santa maria to fight. but then, george washington and abraham lincoln gathered an army to turn back the big government dictators. they told paul revere to ride his horse to frodo. to tell him to cast him into the fires. but then, john wilkes booth showed up and killed lincoln. but there was still hope, because jesus appeared on the face of the liberty bell and he froze john wilkes booth in carbonite. and the liberal homosexuals sailed back to their gay country, while americans claimed their land and drank beer. and that's how freedom was born. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i didn't know -- some of that i didn't know, i'll be honest.

let's go back out to cousin sal. who do you have there? wow. >> i'm sandy. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> i'm from michigan. >> jimmy: michigan. and are you trying to look like kyle petty, or is it just a coincidence? >> just a coincidence. >> jimmy: do people think that's you? >> no, they know it's kyle petty. >> jimmy: they do. okay, great. are you ready to belly flop? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: okay, come on through and you can belly flop for us, all right? [ applause ] sal, go ahead and just grab a few people and send them through, all right? >> you got it. >> jimmy: just round some people up and -- yes. i think we found our winner. [ laughter ] i mean, really. [ applause ] the women's soccer world cup tournament is under way. which, it seems weird to use the word cup in a women's sporting event, but we do. today, the united states women beat the north korean women's

team, 2-0. but as it was reported in north korea, north korea beat the u.s. 2-0. after the match, the coach of the north korean team said his players might not have been playing as well because they were struck by lightning. for real. this is what he said. he said when they were practicing, more than five of the players were struck by lightning and that's why they didn't play so well. that's a fantastic excuse. i'm going to -- [ laughter ] sorry the show isn't funny tonight. i got struck by lightning. during rehearsal. you wouldn't have known it, though, watching the game, because it was exciting from beginning to end and it's time now for our women's world cup play of the day. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: take that, nfl lockout. [ applause ]

should we just go right out to the thing? yeah, we might as well get to the belly flopping, right? do we have people out there? first ofofll, we have guillermo. hello, guillermo. >> hi, jimmy. how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing well, thank you. it's time for our sixth annual pedestrian belly flop competition. there, that's our graphic. [ applause ] how's the water, guillermo? have you touched the water? >> not yet, jimmy. but it looks nice. >> jimmy: it looks nice. let's meet our panel of judges. first up -- oh, hey. [ applause ] my cousin sal. hi, everyone. great. how many people did you get? [ applause ] now the papa is starting to hit me. i'm wishing i wore my women's world cup right t w.

all right, let's meet the judges. first up -- this may come in handy, the only super hero who can talk to fish, please welcome aquaman. hello, aquaman. [ applause ] next, she judged singers on "american idol" for two seasons. currently the head judge for the singer/songwriter competition "platinum hit." please welcome kara dioguardi. kara, this is a different thing for you, to judge, isn't it? >> this is officially my best judging gig ever. are you kidding? i got a drink, i'm loving it. >> jimmy: you don't get cocktails on the other shows. >> no. >> jimmy: are you still wearing that bikini under your clothes like you did that one time? >> of course. i'm going to do a belly flop. >> jimmy: that will come in handy. that's great news. and in our anchor spot, he lives and works right here on our block. please welcome cory, the g g that plays chewbacca on hollywood boulevard.

have you met kara, cory? >> yeah, we met. oh, thanks. >> jimmy: what are you looking for in tonight's competitors? cory? >> oh, sorry. >> jimmy: cory? >> yes? >> jimmy: what are you looking for tonight? >> i'm just looking for, like, you know, just -- they just jump off and, like, hit the water and -- >> jimmy: you're looking for them to golf? >> yeah, just, like. i want to see some effort. >> jimmy: very good. and i from you, as well. all right. all right. so, let's go up to guillermo. guillermo, bring out our first flopper. oh there we go. all right. nice. [ applause ] mike. did you have that on or did we give that to you? >> no, you guys. >> jimmy: we gave it to you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, well, you know, you can keep it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: mike, i'm going to tell you right now, i think -- we have a lot of hope for you, because i think you're going to do a really good job. you got enthusiasm, you've got

girth, everything you need. your body has not seen the sun in a long time. it's nice -- nice to do that to someone else, isn't it, guillermo? >> yes! >> jimmy: all right. you ready to do this, mike? >> i think so. >> jimmy: all right, guillermo. let's have a countdown, please. >> three, two, one -- >> jimmy: there was no belly in that flop. let's look at the instant replay here. it was almost -- that's a jackknife. all right, well, let's go to the judges for their scores. aquaman? a 2. i don't blame him. kara? what do you give that effort? >> oh, an 8. >> jimmy: an 8? >> he was born to belly flop. >> jimmy: you've gotten very soft. all right. and cory? what do you give -- cory? >> i'm going to give him a 7. >> jimmy: a 7.

all right, all right. inexplicable number. all right. cousin sal, you're with mike. mike, how do you feel about that jump? >> little disappointed. >> jimmy: yeah. because you went straight in. it was almost as if you were trying not to splash. oh, we have our super hero towelers. superman is very strong and elmo is very furry and spongebob is a sponge, so -- mike, well -- sorry, maybe next year, we'll get back to you again. >> i'm keep training. >> jimmy: okay, very good. hold on a second. let's take a break and we'll come back to the action, okay? we have a good show tonight. jason bateman is here. author and linebacker dhani jones is with us. and standup comedy from hannibal buress. we'll be right back with belly flopping, so stick around. "hey wrinkle face!"

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>> jimmy: hi, i'm "jimmy kimmel liv live" jimmy kimmel with exciting news. our show has an app. here with more -- guillermo. who apparently is not here. [ laughter ] guillermo? >> hello, jimmy? >> jimmy: : s, where are you? we're waiting for you to start the show. >> sorry, i'm so busy enjoying the "jimmy kimmel live" app to talk to you right now. good-bye.

ay yi yi. jimmy worries too much. doesn't he realize that whether i am here. or here. or even here the show is always with me on my ipad, iphone and i ipod touch, thanks to jkl app. i can watch video from the show anywhere on the go and i can read jimmy's hilarious personal tweets. boy, that jimmy is a great guy. i wonder what he's doing now. ♪ jimmy, i told you i'm busy. good-bye! jimmy needs to get a life. what a loser. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" app. available exclusively at the apple app store.

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today is a kfc day. today tastes so good. >> jimmy: welcome back to the discovery channel. tonight on the program, an interesting guy. he plays linebacker for the cincinnati bengals, and he is also a world traveler and the author of this book, "the sportsman: unexpected lessons from an around-the-world sports odyssey." dhani jones is with us. and then, a very funny guy. this is his new comedy cd, it's called "my name is hannibal." hannibal buress is here. tomorrow night, our old pal animal trainer davee here. salmoni and music from parachute. and on thursday shia lebeouf, green bay packers quarterback aaron rodgers and 311, so, please join us for t tt. let's go out to our back parking lot for the pedestrian belly flop competition. these are people who were

walking by on the street. we stripped them down, we put them in bikinis. right now, stephanie and katie. here we go, girls. guillermo, count it down. >> three, two, one. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you know, theyeyent in strong, but there wasn't much of a kick-back. let's take a look at the instant replay. you can see here -- it looks like we were going to have something there, but nothing came up at the end. let's go to the judges. aquaman? aquaman very tough. gives them a 4. >> you're so mean. >> jimmy: oh, a nice score. a 9. he's down underwater all the time. he has no one to talk to. >> he's terrible. >> jimmy: and cory. cory? it's time to -- >> seven. >> jimmy: cory has the same -- oh, never mind. >> how can the two guys get the --

>> jimmy: our floppers -- how do you guys feel about that? >> great. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think you're in the lead right now, i mean -- it's not a strong lead, but you are in the lead. congratulations, ladies. stand by. >> woo. >> jimmy: all right. and there we go, our super hero towel team. [ applause ] let's -- tell superman to take it easy, would you? our first guest tonight is a golden globe-winner who started his career as a child actor, but due to circumstances beyond his control, was forced to become an adult actor. you can see him alongside a number of other very funny people in the new movie "horrible bosses." it opens in theaters july 8th. please welcome jason bateman. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: very good to see you. >> very nice to be back here. it's been way too long. >> jimmy: it has been a long time since you were here. >> things look different here, right? >> jimmy: we fixed the place up. >> i really love what you've done with the place. >> jimmy: thank you. are you wearing swim trunks? by any chance? >> i wish i were. because the bar is very low to -- that one gal just dove, didn't she? >> jimmy: well, they tried. you know, what are you going to do? i have a lot of hopes for the big fat guy that was going through there. i really do. he went feet first. does he not get the -- it's in the title. belly flop. >> jimmy: it is called a belly flop. yeah. i guess not. i'm sure he's ashamed of himself. i hope he doesn't do anything stupid. >> one gal gave him a nine for jumping feet first. >> jimmy: yeah, well, you know. what are you going to do? >> aquaman is super tough. >> jimmy: yeah. so, how are you? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: i heard you just got a tattoo. >> i did. >> jimmy: why? why would you do that?

>> well -- there's the one tattoo person there. [ applause ] >> jimmy: got a snake under his neck and a parrot on his shoulder. >> yeah, well -- okay, i've always wanted one. and i always sort of threatened to. and i was -- i was talking it over with a couple of friends of mine, a couple of weeks ago and he said, well, i'm going to be in new york while you're in new york and the guy that i know that does tattoos, you should get it done while you're there. i said, okay, great. and, by the way, all i wanted to do and what i did do was get my daughter's name put right here. my daughter's not going anywhere, i'm not going to, you know -- >> jimmy: okay, yeah. [ applause ] >> it's not done in sesame street letters. it's fire and brimstone. no. so i get to new york a couple of days ago. he sends me an e-mail, he says,

so, were you serious about getting the tattoo? the guy is kind of hard to book, do you want me to do it? and i just -- it was an e-mail, so, i look up in theheotel, i say to my wife, hey, that, the tattoo thing, should i do that, or -- she's like, yeah, i think it's great. i just said, yeah, book it tomorrow. without really giving it thought except for the fact that my wife said go do it. and this is the point of the story. okay? is that -- this is -- i will never shake this. this will be on my body forever and were it -- she could have say, no, that's idiotic, don't do it. and i wouldn't have done it. but you women have so much power. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you were halfway there already. >> i was. but how many things are you halfway there on? >> jimmy: and she pushed you over the ledge. >> she did. >> jimmy: does she have tattoos? >> she's got a messed up one on like, her toe. >> jimmy: oh, i see. >> like, some sort of chardonnay haze when she was, like, 17. she actually removing it now.

>> jimmy: oh, really? >> but that was the thing that was very shocking to me. like, she's got such, i i an, i guess i like the power she's got. thank god i don't have a w we that's got awful taste and pushing me to do horrible things, wear real edgy pink pants. >> jimmy: : ah, right. >> does molly have that power over you? >> jimmy: my girlfriend? no, no one makes me do anything. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, i'm impossible, yeah. don't cheer, it not a good thing. [ laughter ] >> i'm weak. i'm weak. but it was great, though. it didn't hurt that much. >> jimmy: it didn'n' >> no. and now i want, like, 100. i want to become -- >> jimmy: do you really? that's the problem. guys will get them like dicky and cleto, they've got them all over their bodies. i mean, there's no room left on their bodies. everything is tattooed now. >> i want to put my dog's face on my shoulder. [ laughter ] i was looking g rough a book of this guy's work before and i'm like, this guy does great dog faces. [ laughter ]

you know? so -- >> jimmy: isn't that weird? for your dog, you are laying in bed, your dog licks you, goes, huh. >> i'm kissing myself. >> jimmy: that is a little bit strange. did your wife tell you what to wear, those sorts of things? >> she, yes, she -- yeah, i won't buy anything that she doesn't already bless, you know? >> jimmy: really? >> this -- whatever is going on tonight -- >> jimmy: it looks good. did she pick that out for you? >> she kind of picked this out. this is another thing that i'm not too proud of. in the hollywood machine, what the studios do, they offer a stylist. okay. a stylist is somebody that brings you a wrack of clothes and gets you all dressed up and stuff. that my wife does with him and i basically sit there and, up you know, watch tv or whatever, and they say, what about this? i'm like, i don't know, honey, you decide. you put ink on my body, you tell

me what to wear, and so, now, i -- i don't dress myself. i rarely drive myself. i -- kicking and screaming, don't drive myself. >> jimmy: you're like a baby. >> i'm not proud of this at all. it's disgusting. it's a hollywood diva crap. >> jimmy: speaking of dressing yourself. i know this is probably a few years ago, but -- >> oh, boy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you appear to be wearing a fanny pack. so, maybe it is a good thing. >> tell me you added that. >> jimmy: no, we didn't. you actually added that. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's -- well -- boy. >> jimmy: it's a good time to be a dodgers fan, too, i tell you. >> stylist was about 20 years later, looks like. >> jimmy: we're going to take a quick break. we'll get off your clothin we're going to talk about "horrible bosses," the new big film. jason bateman is here. "horririe bosses" opens july 8th. we'll be right back. [ cellphone vibrates ]

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my wife and i want to lowe our cholesterol, but finding healthy food that tastes good is torturous. your father is suffering. [ male announc ] honey nut cheerios tastes great and can help lower cholesterol. you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? one block from the victim's house. just moments after he got shot dead. >> i was drag racing. i'm a drag racer. >> you were drag racing? in a prius? >> i don't win a lot. >> jimmy: that's jason bateman. "horrible bosses" is the film. >> that movie, i know i'm supposed to be saying this, but i would almost be tempted to

offer 100% guarantee on your money. >> jimmy: really? >> but i'm not. that movie is great. i would be really surprised. it's really, really great. >> jimmy: who is in the movie? i looks like it's great. >> charlie day, jason sudeikis, jennifer aniston, colin ferrell, jamie foxx, donald sutherland. i could go on, jimmy. >> jimmy: that seems like more than enough for one movie, it really does. >> i mean -- one of those has got to get you there. >> reporter: and were there hijinx on the set? >> oh, so much, jimmy. can i have a triple segment to tell you all the anecdotes? the grab ass and horse play, the hoot that was had by all. >> jimmy: it looked like a hoot. it really does. >> it was a romp. >> jimmy: and what's the other movie you have coming out? >> there's this other thing a month later -- >> jimmy: they get mad if you mention it? >> i don't know. "the changeup." which is also good. >> jimmy: we have to plan our

summer. by the way, speaking of movies, "arrested development," one of the best shows ever -- [ cheers and applause ] i'm sure -- do people ask you if there's going to be a movie all the time? >> i'm never asked about that. >> jimmy: i'm sure. >> i am. but i have no update except to say that they are trying to make mitch's deal and he's the boss, he deserves everything he's asking for. so, i hope they make that. when they do, i think things will flow -- >> jimmy: well, we got you something here. and this is something you can wear around and this - -no, there's no "arrested development" movie. >> that's great. i appreciate that. >> jimmy: run it by your stylist, okay? >> we need to add "yet" on there. >> jimmy: should we go to one belly flopper? hopefully -- we've had a pretty poor performance so far. oh, my goodness. that's my horse. we just met the michael jordan of belly flopping. what is your name? >> eddie. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> covina. >> jimmy: you look like -- it looks like a big brother program is going on there.

eddie, please don't disappoint us, because we've been very disappointed so far with the belly flopping, all right? i want there to be not a drop of water left in that pool. >> just make it clear that it's belly first. >> jimmy: exactly. it's belly first. you heard jason, all right? >> got you. >> jimmy: take your hands out of your pockets. >> three, two, one -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think i got wet. that's the way you do it. >> little overrotation. >> jimmy: i hope he's okay. oh! well, you know, aquaman works with blue whales and the like. so he's not impressed. he gives him a 6. kara. definitely a 10. right? >> oh, my god! >> jimmy: and let's go now to cory, the guy --

>> ah, yeah. >> jimmy: at least he got off the 7. cory, you know that's a 9, right? it's not a six? >> i was going to give him a 7, but -- >> jimmy: oh, no. >> don't lose it -- >> jimmy: oh! how many points does he get for that? wow, that was really great, i have to say. that was beautifully done, eddie. you got a 25, you are the leader. you're going to be tough to top. >> look at the welts. >> jimmy: super team, rub him down. all right. thank you to jason bateman. the movie is called "horrible bosses." if you don't like it, he'll give you your money back. it opens july 8th. we'll be right back with dhani jones. ♪

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♪ nature valley -- 100% natural. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] say hello to the new mango pineapple real fruit smoothies from mccafé, bursting with fresh flavors and blended with creamy low-fat yogurt. the simple joy of exotic refreshment. ♪ >> jimmy: aquaman is very, very tough. our next guest is an nfl linebacker with an affinity for travel, adventure and pain. he's been all around the world, endangering himselel his new book is called "the sportsman." from the cincinnati bengals,

please welcome, dhani jones. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you get that spider belt buckle on your travels? >> no, i didn't. i got it in new york city. >> jimmy: you got it in new york, all right. >> but this is the equivalent of traveling, though. you can go anywhere. >> jimmy: especially when you're playing for the bengals, going to new york is like going to a foreign country. >> i did eatat tarantula. >> jimmy: how was that? >> tasty. kind of like soft shell crab. they add flavors, they got kara mcaramel -- >> jimmy: they do? >> all flavors. >> jimmy: they deep fry it? >> yeah. you want this one? >> jimmy: no. i rarely eat people's belt buckles. it's a weird thing about me. i never do it. >> that would be slightly strange. >> jimmy: this is something. because you went -- for those of

you that don't know, you went to, what, 20 countries? 20 different countries. 200 days on the road. >> jimmy: you decided you were going to play the local sports and compete against the local athletes. and these are sports you never played before. >> no -- i mean, i played soccer a little bit. when i went to south africa, playing with professional players. when i was in cambodia, competing against professionals. depending on who they were, it would be set up a different way. when i was in spain, i actually played against two little kids that beat me. >> jimmy: how old? >> they were, , ke, 10 and 11, i played against teenagers and here i am trying to throw the ball and they were laughing at me. talking about me behind my back in spanish. >> jimmy: you knew what they were saying? >> i know. >> jimmy: do they know you from the nfl? are they aware of -- >> they're like, you know, don't look like refrigerator perry. but sometimes when i travel, actually, one time, they called me -- they were like, mr. obama, mr. obama! i was like, good gracious.

all black people don't look the same, you know. it's okay. it's okay. secret service is right around the corner. >> jimmy: really? that is strange. >> i don't have anybody with me. i don't have my entourage. i'll take it. >> jimmy: did you love doing this? >> it was the best. >> jimmy: how do the bengals feel about the fact that you're running around the world doing all these things in the offseason? >> i tell you this story. when i first taped the first episode, which was england, i learned rugby. i didn't tell anybody. i didn't tell my mother, my father. i didn't tell anybody. and i got back in town and unfortunate it will they were running this promo where i fell off a horse because i was doing a fox drag. who falls off a horse but me? >> jimmy: well, it happens. >> you want to talk about ocho cinco and the things he does. here i am falling off a horse. anyway, so, coach lewis, i think he saw it, he called me a couple of times and i'm watching the phone and it's ringing, thank god for caller i.d. i didn't pick it up the first time. i kind of circled around the

table, looked at the phone. and then i was like, okay, fine, i'll pick up the phone. mind you, i didn't have a contract. i didn't have anything signed. my agent was in the middle of negotiations. i picked up the phone, he was like, dhani? i was like, yes, coach. how are you doing? doing fine, coach. he was like, tell me about the sport, because i want to live vicariously through you. i was taken aback. because i would think that there might be some type of issues, but there was just support, you know? someone stepping out and doing something they're passionate about, doing something they love, and knowing about it, because, the fact they can see it in the way they were traveling. i talk about it in the book, all the 20 countries, no matter how difficult it got, how many times i got kicked by a bull, got hit in the face by a surf board, you know, or got beat by 7-year-olds, i had a great time. >> jimmy: the bengals don't care, , all. >> no, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: by the way, ocho cinco is doing the -- kind of the same thing, but here in the united states. >> i think he's trying to follow in the foot steps. >> jimmy: he is ripping you off.

>> he read the book. >> jimmy: you have talked to him about this? >> i did. >> jimmy: he played soccer, right? >> already did it. >> jimmy: you had already done that. >> he rode the bull. i got kicked by the bull. >> jimmy: that's unacceptable. i mean, it really is. he has to do his own thing. >> it happens. >> jimmy: do you guys get along well? >> we get along. he's quite a character. >> jimmy: yes, i noticed. >> i love hanging out with him. i don't know about wrestling alligators and things like that. i don't know about the insurance behind that. >> jimmy: he won't be doing those things? >> he said he's going to. >> jimmy: he did, okay. >> i said i was going to do a lot of things and i definitely did a lot of things when i was traveling around the globe. >> jimmy: well, it's very interesting. many referenens to how well endowed you are -- which is like similar to -- >> that's what the belt's for. >> jimmy: belt to keep everything in. >> the belt and the bow tie suggests things like that, right? >> jimmy: the belt, yes. maybe not the bow tie so much. >> not the bow tie? >> jimmy: this is the book.

it's called "the sportsman." dhani jones, everybody. we'll be right back with hannibal buress. [ horns honking ] ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] with the goodness of fresh-picked tea leaves, water, and sunshine. new 100% natural lipton iced tea. you are what you tea. lipton: drink positive. the new blackberry playbook. it runs all this at the same time. ♪

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>> jimmy: we are back. belly flop championship still to come. our next guest has a new cd, it's called "my name is hannibal." you can see him live at the helium in philadelphia tomorrow rough july 2nd and at zanies in chicago july 6th through 17th. please say hello to hannibal buress. [ cheers and applause ] >> hello. hello, america. i lost my debit card recently. it had five charges on it before i caught it. first charge, $3$3 chuck e. cheese. who goes to chuck e. cheese as soon as they find a debit card? are you serious? hey, i just found this debit

card. who's up for horrible pizza and whack-a-mole? let's go right now! who's down for flat pepsi and air hockey? let't'get it while we can. time is of the essence, this dude is about to c ccel this card y'all. first charge, chuck e. cheese. second charge, $170 at target. third charge, $300 at walmart. fourth charge, $18 on gas. fifth charge, chuck e. cheese again. [ laughtht ] what type of monster are you? you didn't have enough fun the first time? did my card get stolen by a 9-year-old? or by a bad broke father? well i hope they had a horrible time on the second outing. i hope the pizza made his family sick, and i hope his kids never learn to read. [ laughter ] then another time my card info got stolen. somebody was chargrgg up crazy stuff in california. i live in new york. it was two separate $400 charges at barnes & noble.

who balls out of control at barnes & noble? who's ever spent more than $80 at barnes & noble? and i hate visa fraud prevention for not knowing that i'm not the type of guy to spend $800 in 30 minutes on books. you didn't want to call me visa and check that one out? well maybe hannibal went on a knowledge binge. no, i didn't go a knowledge binge, visa. you know that wasn't me. with your whole heart you know that wasn't me. you should have called me. you should have really called me. because sometimes you call me for the silliest stuff. >> hey, mr. buress, we want to verify this $3 charge on bread two blocks from your house. [ applause ] yeah, that was me spending $3 on bread two blocks away from my house, but that wasn't me spending $800 on books across the country.

then a $600 charge at bed, bath and beyond. so i know i was deeming with a woman, that loofah-buying bitch. how many body washes did she need? i hope the sheets gave her family bed bugs, and i also hope her kids never learn to read. and if her kids already know how to read, i hope they forget how to read. [ applause ] i can't frfrt, though. when i was 13, i found a credit card in the atm. i went straight to toys r us and rang up a playstation. me, a 13-year-old black kid with a credit card, and the name on it is john hammerschmidt. with full confidence, i hand them this card. they look at it, is this your card? yeah, it's my card. it's my step-dad's card. i'm authorized. they say, can you stay right here? nah. not staying right here. that sounds very set-uppish, lady.

let's go our separate ways. [ laughter ] been traveling a bench. i wawain indiana. i got a speeding ticket going 80 in a 60. the officer said, why are you going so fast? because this car is awesome. that's why i was going so fast. you should be happy i was only doing 80. this car got 160 on the dash. you should be applauding my restraint right now. [ applause ] why was i going so fast? because life is short and we're all going to die soon and i want to minimize the time i spend on indiana state road 37. [ applause ] i want to look back on my life. you know what, i spent too much time on the internet, but on indiana state road 37, the bare minimum. i'm happy about that. i can die now. and officer, if you were really against speeding, why did you speed to get up to me?

you're a hypocrite. if you were really against speeding, you would have gone the speed limit and watched me speed in the other lane and shook your head and judged me. now we're both going fast and the road isn't any better for it. how are you going to say that i can't do what i did when you did the exact same thing that i did just to catch up to me to say "don't do that?" good night, y'all, thanks a lot. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, hannibal. hannibal buress, everybody. we'll be right back.3q yes! stain gone. in the first wash.

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